Thank you so much. It really, truly means an awful lot that people I've never even met care, without the fact that also the advice that I've had here has been the best and most helpful I've had. This place has really helped me through some horribly tough times. I couldn't stop crying the whole of Saturday, but I picked myself up the next day and said to myself, right, I shall have another go at the weekend now, and I even went out that evening and saw some friends and I laughed.
I have good days and bad days, and Saturday was the worst day in months, but I'm managing. My parents are coming to visit next week and I have the week off work, so that's something to look forward to as well.
Carol, your words are wonderful. I think a lot of the reason I was in such a dark and desperate hole before was that I was constantly blaming and punishing myself, and even though people were telling me to be kind to myself I simply couldn't seem to manage it. It was only when I managed to stop seeing myself as the only person at fault that a sort of veil lifted and I was able to walk around outside and really look at things and appreciate them (apologies if that doesn't make much sense, but the state I was in before that was so weird it's difficult to describe).
On Saturday I had friends, who meant only well, trying to sort of 'snap me out of it' by telling me that I had to accept that Mark was gone for good and I had to pull myself together. And I cried and cried and cried. I can see their logic, and I can see that telling someone it's OK to be having a bad day could be seen to be encouraging them, but in fact, being told that how I was feeling was normal and natural and OK was what enabled me to dry my eyes, sleep OK and wake up the next morning ready to have another go at being alive, having put Saturday behind me.
Thank you so much everyone for your support and your kind thoughts and prayers.