Help needed please

[Toria]

I've been feeling so much better since about November, when I started being able to go out and walk around and appreciate things around me (making me realise how much of weird bubble I'd been trapped in before). And I've been gradually feeling my way back to normality with just the occasional blip (Christmas and New Year, for example, which I'd been dreading, weren't anything like as bad as I thought, but then I felt very sad in January, after they were over). But today I've not been able to get dressed or open the curtains and I've been crying constantly all day, and I think it was mostly set off by thinking about my birthday coming up. I'd rather not have a birthday this year. Also my dad has cancer and some tumours have come back, though thankfully they are at an incredibly early stage (he has regular scans now after that first one was spotted and removed along with his kidney - gods bless the NHS!). All in all I feel as if all the strength I found in November has drained away. If anyone can help me with that it would be much appreciated. Thank you and bless you.
Toria

[eleanorrmiller]

Hugs! And well done for the struggle back to normality - and I know it feels horrible, but it's ok and I think quite usual to have a bad day now and then. The stress of the news about your dad must also be taking its toll - no matter how early the tumours were found and how easily treatable, the word cancer strikes cold fear into everyone, even if logically you know it's likely to be all ok.

I do hope you feel better really soon - but if it takes a while to get back into a good space, that's understandable. And don't underestimate the cathartic effect of a really good cry...

Love from Eleanor

[Jan]

Eleanor said it all. You're doing alright, you know?

PM in your box.

Loadsa love

[Toria]

Thank you. I really do appreciate people's kindness so much.

[susanl]

Good thoughts your way, Toria, and I hope you soon find peace and resolution.

Susan

[kriss]

It's like recovering from a physical illness - sometimes it's all too much and you need to rest. Your dad's illness must have hit you hard especially since you were hoping he'd completely recovered. But it sounds like you're on the right track and this is temporary. Hope you feel stronger soon.

Kriss

[Carol]

I had the most wonderful piece of advice that is helping me, I have had some loss this year, and my dear friend said to me,
it is OK to accept that you can not accept what is happening.

The key word I meditate on is to accept , I feel what I feel, I accept that, I do not judge myself, I do not have an opinion about my feelings, I accept them.

Maybe you could give it a try? It is a form of serenity for me.
love love love

Carol

[wishinglove]

Toria, you sound really well. I will be saying some prayers for you.

Love,
wish xo

[Toria]

Thank you so much. It really, truly means an awful lot that people I've never even met care, without the fact that also the advice that I've had here has been the best and most helpful I've had. This place has really helped me through some horribly tough times. I couldn't stop crying the whole of Saturday, but I picked myself up the next day and said to myself, right, I shall have another go at the weekend now, and I even went out that evening and saw some friends and I laughed. I have good days and bad days, and Saturday was the worst day in months, but I'm managing. My parents are coming to visit next week and I have the week off work, so that's something to look forward to as well.

Carol, your words are wonderful. I think a lot of the reason I was in such a dark and desperate hole before was that I was constantly blaming and punishing myself, and even though people were telling me to be kind to myself I simply couldn't seem to manage it. It was only when I managed to stop seeing myself as the only person at fault that a sort of veil lifted and I was able to walk around outside and really look at things and appreciate them (apologies if that doesn't make much sense, but the state I was in before that was so weird it's difficult to describe).

On Saturday I had friends, who meant only well, trying to sort of 'snap me out of it' by telling me that I had to accept that Mark was gone for good and I had to pull myself together. And I cried and cried and cried. I can see their logic, and I can see that telling someone it's OK to be having a bad day could be seen to be encouraging them, but in fact, being told that how I was feeling was normal and natural and OK was what enabled me to dry my eyes, sleep OK and wake up the next morning ready to have another go at being alive, having put Saturday behind me.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and your kind thoughts and prayers.

[kriss]

Sounds like you are trying so hard to heal and get over this. Wishing you all the best.

Kriss