i'd lóve help..

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i'd lóve help..

Postby seedling » 16 Mar 2014, 17:41

I've been at my parents' place this weekend. Usual pleasantness, walks along the beach, good food, talks.
Some friction & tension too, as always.

Dad is 70+ has several tremors (neurologists says he has the body & brain of 85+, no prakinsons) and rejects any help. With eating, drinking, daily stuff..
Though I also notice that stuff is falling apart, like the shower. (My mom bathes)
I'm not allowed to intervene or get others to help. I never am. Even reproached if I would do so on my own.

Nor can I point out to my mom, so she'd act.. I get al sorts of old drama, she feels is connected and necessary, totally leaving the subject of my dad needing help.
Besides: he can take a bath! (which he dislikes, is too high to get into and out, etc).
I observed that he follows her around the house, he feels so unsteady without her around.
My mom acknowledges he has been doing so for a few years now.

How can one help a person suffering, when both don't see, partner lacks oversight /insight /only sees he's being less hygienic.
I'd rather do more than just metta-meditation to ease suffering..

I knów can ask relatives (~woops, intervention o.O).. or maybe dear friends of theirs..

I'd lóve to help..
Breath in, breath out.. Let go?? 
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby Jan » 16 Mar 2014, 18:03

Ah Seeds what a horrid situation.... Do you feel you manage to make any difference when you are there?

Course as you acknowledge here there's very little you honestly can do until one or the other of them actually asks for help. And of course parents often do not ask their children for help, purely because of the balance of power in that relationship.

Is there a relative you believe your mum might listen to? I can see no harm in going and talking to that person if so - especially if you do so in a manner that invites them to simply take a look at the situation and see if they agree with your assessment of the situation. After all if they feel you are off mark they can tell you so under these circumstances.

I do really wish you well in trying to find a good solution all round to this situation.

Loadsa love
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby prc » 21 Mar 2014, 00:54

hon maybe let go? just love them, have dinner and tea, play some board games? in the end, the other stuff won't matter so much. i can only imagine how hard that is... (((((hugs))))
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby Seraphina » 23 Mar 2014, 08:49

I had a similar situation with my mum, she lived on her own and had done for over 20 years after my dad passed away... Mum was a very stubborn woman, set in her ways and would not accept any help at all.. She started to let herself go, she wasn't eating properly and she began hoarding excessive amounts of stuff.
myself and my 3 siblings visited as often as we could, she did love seeing us but any talk from us regarding her health or the fact that she needed to clean the house or eat a decent meal was met with a stony silence and a withering look!

We tried to do things around the house, by now it was becoming a health hazard and mum was 78 years old and suffering from bad back and was hardly able to get around, we tried cooking for her, but she picked at it, we would clean up where we could, but a week down the line there was mess everywhere again..

I tried involving outside organisations who could help, like age concern, they were prepared to deliver hot meals every day, also give mum a qualified carer a couple of days a week, to help her bathe and to do housework etc... I spoke to mum about it but she would not agree... My hands were tied, she would not let us help her, so any outsiders was a no, no,

All we could do was visit her, get her bits of shopping, cos she wouldn't leave the house, we were worried about her, but without her consent we could do nothing!
She would never tell us if she was in pain, or unwell, Or suffering in anyway...

Two years ago my mum passed away, she had an infection, doctors think it was a kidney infection which she had had for some time, we never knew... Unfortunately she contracted Sepsis because she did not seek medical attention, by the time she went into hospital it was too late to save her.... We struggled to deal with her death and kept thinking we could have done more... But the truth is, which we now accept is we did all we could, we tried, but without going down some kind of legal road, involving all sorts of officials, which we did consider, but we knew mum would rebel terribly and be unhappy, there was no more we could do!

So my point is Seeds, you may have to let it go, without your folks cooperation your kinda stuck...
I know this is no consolation to you, but your dad is with your mum.. It's hard though and upsetting... and the important thing is to let them know you are there....
Sending lotsa hugs to you!!


Seraphina :)
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby seedling » 23 Mar 2014, 10:54

Seraphina wrote:So my point is Seeds, you may have to let it go, without your folks cooperation your kinda stuck...
I know this is no consolation to you, but your dad is with your mum.. It's hard though and upsetting... and the important thing is to let them know you are there....
Sending lotsa hugs to you!!
Seraphina :)
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's and your situation & the way of her passing..
I sincerely hope you and your family can let it go too. Indeed, you did what you could, with all your love..
How are you about it all, now?

I am very aware of how true it is what you tell me.
Difficult to come to terms with, But I'll just have to.. to keep peace
peace of mind, sort off.. and peace amongst each other..
they experience 'no problems', from their perspective, so why should I add any?
Why should I worry, when I can't help, it's not helpfull..
I hope to be so Zen, to be able to deal as such

Thanx for your post!
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby Seraphina » 23 Mar 2014, 21:03

Hi Seeds,
I'm ok about it all now, but at the time it was very emotional, I felt that I had failed my mum, that I should have been tougher and made changes to help her, without her permission... But she would have got angry, stressed and any changes to her way of life that was forced upon her would have made her unhappy, I know it would have, I knew mum, it would have been the worst thing in the world for her to have had any outside help, or any kind of interference from her children, she was quite a formidable woman, even through everything she was strong minded and liked the way she lived, I even considered moving in with her and looking after her myself! But she said no...

Stupid as it may seem to others, I just could not go against my mums wishes, even though I wasn't happy with how she lived, she was my mother and I had to respect her decisions...

I like what you say about keeping the peace, that's so true and very important, I did that, arguments, friction and stress was not good for any of us, only made matters worse and changed nothing, we just made sure we spent as much time as we could visiting and spending time with mum, she knew we cared and that we loved her... And that is what I think of when I get sad moments, it helps and I feel at peace... We have let it go now...
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby Jan » 24 Mar 2014, 20:45

The key word that jumps out at me here is "respect". Sometimes we look at a situation, feel that we understand what is happening, and believe - even hope - we can make positive changes. And maybe we can. Yet in the end, to respect the wishes of the person concerned - that's paramount isn't it? Even when it causes pain.

I'm so sorry that both of you have had to face such agonising experiences.

Loadsa love
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Re: i'd lóve to help..

Postby seedling » 29 Mar 2014, 13:57

My dad is not doing so great this week..
Thursday he could hardly walk, was incoherent and fainted
My mom thought he'd had a TIA. Doc couldn't find any signs of that..
He did find a fever, probably bladder infection, so he got meds for that.

Loads of weird things happened that day still, which my mom thought were off..
Eventually they went back to the doc when he'd passed out a second time.
He has neglected pneumonia and takes antibiotics
Now he sleeps a lot, eats and drinks some, my mom showers him
and puts him into bed again.
He is very tired..

My mom says she's now undecided about tuesday (she would come and visit me)
So I told her, that it's abvious that we'll have to reschedule..
I definitely know my dad would highly appreciate her just being present, even if he were doing loads better!
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby Jan » 04 Apr 2014, 16:51

Oh dear...how shocking...... I really do hope there's a satisfactory resolution here, Seeds. You must be very worried.

Loadsa love
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Re: i'd lóve help..

Postby seedling » 04 Apr 2014, 17:25

Thanx for your empthatic response, Jan!
Meds took some time to kick in.. but he's doing better now, out of bed for a short while since yesterday.
Hadn't heard from both since monday.. my mom had come down with a fever and similar complaints too.
her lungs weren't clear either, so she was put on antibiotics too, earlier in the illness-proces than my dad.
Both are gradually doing better.

in the mean time, my best friends eldest came down with 6th childs disease..
poor lil'one had been poorly for a while, not eating for a week.
She spent yesterday in hospital, to make sure her fluids were replenished
she wasn't allowed to eat yet, for her stomack was so upset, she threw up when they tried yesterday
Home now, and doing gradually better..

So this week was off indeed, not used to worrying about peoples health
So that definitely makes me more aware and thankfull for my good health! :hello:
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